Women at all stages in their lives need friends to give them companionship, advice and perspective that they often cannot find elsewhere. In a Time Poll, 63% of women said they talk to friends or family in order to improve their mood. Women want and need to be heard.
Scientists have proven that social ties reduce the risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rates and cholesterol. The director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago, John T. Cacioppo says close relationships can have a profound effect on our cardiovascular and neuroendocrine activity: in other words, a friend’s nurturing love will lower your blood pressure!
As mothers, we establish many positive relationships for our children through the healthy, loving connections we make with the world around us. We not only model what it means to be a good friend, but we give the kids the gift of close relationships with people other than ourselves.
After talking with 500+ women while researching our book Mothers Need Time Outs Too (www.momstimeouts.com), we came away with these some key insights about friendships
Friends give perspective when life gets tough: Incredibly close relationships can develop between people who meet through support groups, in the hospital, or the most unexpected places like a specialty food store or a therapist’s office. Sometimes you want someone who’s been through the same things you’ve experienced, especially if it’s serious grief, illness, or dealing with a life-long disability.
Sometimes happenstance friends can save your skin! If your son plays basketball, or your daughter is a soccer fanatic, you’re likely to get to know other parents from standing on the sidelines. Though you may not know them all that well, you often trust these people implicitly; their children bond with yours and you’re likely to see them a lot more regularly than your own best friends. They can help you in a pinch.
As you age, stereotypes go out the window. When you’re younger, you gravitate toward a certain type of person, and you’ll often make assumptions about others based on what they look like or what they like to do. But once you become a mother, you’re thrown into situations with other moms through school or work and those stereotypes go right out the window. 
Break up with friends who drain you! Many mothers unwittingly get caught in friendships that drain them: the overbearing buddy whose child is a ‘genius’; the friend who is perpetually in crisis but never actually listens to your advice; the old soul mate who can’t stop sharing negative assumptions about you or your kids even when she hasn’t seen you in years. These are friends who do not add anything positive to your life.
Mothers we talked with identified these six unwritten rules as the key to making friendships between moms become stronger and last longer:
1. Do What You Can: Although it’s important to reciprocate as much as you can, it doesn’t have to be tit-for-tat
2. Listen and Talk: Take the time to really hear what someone is saying
3. Humility’s the Way to Go: Occasionally admitting to vulnerabilities in yourself/your family is a must!
4. Hospitality is Key: Make sure to open your home to kids and friends from time to time. Most people love to be invited over, and don’t care if the house is spotless or if you’ve cooked a gourmet meal.
5. Be Proactive: Don’t wait till a friend needs you to be there for them. Call, write or say hi often.
6. Air Grievances Face to Face: Being forthright helps avoid resentments-if you’re having problems with someone, it’s best to deal with them gently but directly.
If you like this article you may consider:
Mother’s Need Time-Outs Too – Tips from the Trenches
Seven Steps To Becoming a More Positive Thinker
About the Authors: SUSAN CALLAHAN , ANNE NOLEN and KATRIN SCHUMANN are the authors of Mothers Need Time-Outs Too, It’s Good to Be a Little Selfish, It Actually Makes You a Better Mother (McGraw-Hill, 2008). After interviewing over 500 women across America and abroad, they came to the conclusion that being selfish isn’t always bad. The authors have appeared on numerous T.V. and radio shows and have been featured in such publications as Women’s Day and the Daily Telegraph, UK. Passionate about empowering women, they are donating a percentage of their profits to UNIFEM, the United Nations Fund for Women. For more information, please go to www.momstimeouts.com. Women’s health guru Dr. Christiane Northrup has said this groundbreaking book “stands the motherhood-as-sacrifice model on its head. The result is healthier moms and healthier families.”
Dear Aly,
This isn’t exactly a beauty related question, but, I’m hoping you can help. Last month, Valentine’s Day and that movie “He’s Not That Into You” had me at my wit’s end. How do you separate the losers from the keepers?
Signed,
Lonely
Dear Lonely,
There are definitive patterns and indicators, if you look for them!!! I consulted Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D.’s “The Loser: Warning Signs You’re Dating a Loser” and got some great insight. If the person you’re wondering about possesses even one of the following warning signs, there is risk in the relationship.
1. He or she says, “I love you” way too soon.
The loser is quick to attach and even quicker to express their devotion. In less than a few weeks of dating, you’ll hear that you’re the love of their life and they want to marry you. Showered with attention and nice gestures, you may be overwhelmed by this display of instant connection or commitment. They may in fact be the best thing that ever happened to you, but truly great, healthy relationships take time — at least more than a few weeks.
2. He or she wants you all to themselves… all the time.
The loser is determined to be your everything. Telling you that your supportive friends and/or family treat you badly, take advantage of you, don’t understand how special the love you two share is, the loser urges you to cut everyone else off. They’re jealous and threatened by anyone you’re close to, even your children! You must be available and account for your whereabouts 24/7. In short, the loser wants complete control.
3. He or she fails the waitress test.
The way an individual treats a server, clerk, or other neutral person, especially of the opposite sex, is the way they’ll eventually treat you. If they whine, complain, criticize, torment, or act like an arrogant jerk, you can count on receiving the same treatment down the line.
4. He or she has a super-scary temper.
The loser really loses it. They get mad easily, blow up, and do dangerous things like drive too fast, throw stuff, get into fights, or threaten others. Though the loser promptly assures you that they are not angry with you, but at others or the situation, you can be sure that their hostility and violence will eventually be directed at you.
5. He or she is a confidence assassin.
The loser repeatedly puts you down. Constantly correcting your slightest mistakes, they tell you you’re too fat, not very intelligent, have no taste, and always leave you with the feeling that you’re not quite good enough. This gradual chipping away at your self-esteem allows them to later treat you really badly and make you feel you deserve it.
6. He or she keeps you spinning.
The loser cycles from mean to sweet… and back again. One day is filled with hurtful criticism and verbal abuse. The next day they’re absolute darlings, apologizing for their recent “lousy mood” and doing all those lovely little things that first sucked you in. Even if you were resolved to get out, you hang in, believing that the sweetness is the big permanent change you’ve been hoping for. It’s not. The loser will be mean again and sooner rather than later.
7. He or she is a master of the blame game.
The loser never ever takes personal responsibility for their behavior. It’s always someone else’s fault — usually yours. You are the reason they yelled at you, treated you badly, or embarrassed you publicly. You’re the one making them drive 80 miles an hour or drink too much.
8. He or she has you walking on eggshells.
The loser invokes fear. If you find yourself afraid to bring up topics, question the loser’s behavior, or mention that you even spoke to another friend, you’re with a loser. And, you probably should be afraid.
Me Time branded apparel is where fun meets fashion. Our tee, t-shirts and tank tops display fun designs and messages and women often identify with the important me time message. From shopping to sunbathing, wine to dog walking and everything in between, we have your favorite me time activities covered in our tees and t-shirts. Our apparel makes a statement and will draw comments and smiles. Shop Me Time Tees Now >
Technorati Profile
|
When you want to show your special someone a night on the town without breaking the bank, look to your very own kitchen. We all know that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, so a cozy, candlelit dinner at home can be the ultimate date night. Whether you want to invite a new honey over for some romance or reignite a flame with your hubby, you can strut your stuff in the kitchen without spending the day slaving over the stove. To allow yourself more me time and take the stress out of being the hostess with the mostess, try these quick tips to wow him off his feet.
Plan, plan, plan ahead – Women today are busy. Between juggling jobs, children, blackberries and a social life, there aren’t enough hours in the day for the modern woman to check off every item on the to-do list and take some me time for her. Plan the menu for your mini-soiree a few days in advance so that you can shop for ingredients in multiple trips, leaving yourself a few moments at the end of the day to take a deep breath and put your feet up.
Shop online – Rather than spending time wandering from aisle to aisle debating between Shiraz and Pinot Noir, Wine.com, the #1 online wine store, as ranked by Internet Retailer Magazine, will do the thinking for you. With shipping available to 26 U.S. States, you can order your favorite wine for delivery right to your door – and learn about the history of its variety and origin for dinner table fodder.
Put your best foot forward – Don’t get so wrapped up in the detail that you forget to set aside some me time for one of the best parts of the night – getting glam before your date arrives. While the wine is chilling or the oven preheats, pamper your tootsies with a quick pedicure. Take ten to place your feet in plastic bowl of warm water with a few drops of essential oils: chamomile will soften and lavender rejuvenates so you can start your evening feeling calm and pampered.
Keep It Simple – We all want to go above and beyond when we’re entertaining, but by keeping the menu basic and the dishes simple you can slash hours off your prep time. Stick with a simple one-dish meal such as AOL Slashfood’s Chicken Pasta Parmigiana, alongside a simple green salad and crusty Italian bread paired with extra virgin olive oil for dipping.
Make enough for leftovers – If you’re cooking for two, make enough dinner for four. Refrigerate the two extra portions and you’ll have lunch for the next day as well, saving yourself a step from the morning rat race. And maybe you’ll even have enough to send your sweetie off with a doggie bag!
It’s Your Party and You’ll Cry If You Want To
Don’t forget that even though you’re doing the cooking and prep, you’re there to enjoy the evening also. Let him do the dishes if he offers – while you sit back and enjoy the much coveted me time with a second glass of vino.
Maris Callahan: Since graduating from Susquehanna University in 2006, Maris has worked in the world of PR. While she began her career in the fashion/beauty industry, she now works in the consumer sector. She maintains a personal blog, In Good Taste, primarily about cooking, food and life. In her “me” time she enjoys running, knitting, yoga and a good latte.
|
