Kids in the Mix…Dating Isn’t What It Used to Be!
Dating is tough enough without having kids in the mix, but when there are kids, the scene gets quite a bit more chaotic. There are all sorts of questions that come into play, or at least should come into play, and the answers are anything but simple. Firstly, the children’s ages have to be taken into consideration. Secondly, the relationship they have with their biological fathers must be considered. Thirdly it has to be determined whether the man you are dating is dating you or your clan and this is something that must be continually evaluated unless and until you say “I do”.
While it’s true that no matter how much we don’t want to screw up our kids, we will eventually screw them up; there is a sense in which the clarification of who a parent is matters to a child. The younger a child is, the muddier the distinction will be between a parent, and some guy mom brought home. The last thing you want is your four year old to think of every man that walks in the house as a “new Daddy”. I once asked a man my mother was speaking to in a grocery store if he was going to be my new daddy. I was 5. I am not saying not to date if your kids are that age. I am saying that you shouldn’t bring your dates home until such point as you are pretty sure that the guy you are dating is “the one”. Once children are about 9 or 10 years old, they begin to grasp the concept that dating isn’t necessarily for keeps and that Mom’s dating is for Mom, not an effort to shop for a new Daddy. Even then it’s very important that your children know they don’t have to like the man you bring home, and it’s important to set some ground rules for your date as well. More restrictive ground rules are good in the beginning. They are your children, not his, and no matter how much he likes them, it’s going to be a long time before they are his, if ever. To a child, even two weeks is an eternity, and you will kick yourself for years if your child learns too early that adults who they care about leave and don’t come back. Under no circumstances should your kids call a man to whom you are not married, “Daddy”, unless that man is in fact their biological father.
Speaking of biological fathers, there are several types to consider. There is the absentee or unknown father, the weekend father, and the involved co-parenting father. As far as the absentee father is concerned, your only consideration when dating is to make sure that your kids aren’t overly exposed to your dates too soon into the relationship. The guys you bring home in that case truly do have the potential to be a father to your kids, and you have to consider that in your selection process. Country singer Brad Paisley croons a song on this subject, called “He didn’t have to be.” Some of the lyrics are as follows:
”I met the man I call my dad when I was five years old
He took my mom out to a movie and for once I got to go
A few months later I remember lying there in bed
I overheard him pop the question and prayed that she’d say yes
And then all of a sudden
Oh, it seemed so strange to me
How we went from something’s missing
To a family
Lookin’ back all I can say
About all the things he did for me
Is I hope I’m at least half the dad
That he didn’t have to be”
That’s a lovely sentiment, but ladies, be warned. Expecting that from your relationships is sort of like expecting your relationship to work out like a romance novel. It happens, but it happens less often than we would all wish. Be careful about how your children perceive the men to whom they are introduced.
On the flip side of the fatherhood issue is your dealing with the father who is either a weekend father or a co-parenting fixture. In both cases it is very important that your children understand that their father will always be their father and that he will always love them and that your new boyfriend is not a replacement daddy. They have a father. In this day and age, families often consist of more than two parenting fixtures. In my case, I call my step father by his first name and it never occurred to me to call him “Dad”. Still though, there is a sense of love and respect for him that exists regardless of biology. It was a respect and a love earned over time, not forced on me, and he was never pushed on me as a replacement for my father…despite the fact that my father has been many years deceased.
One of the worst mistakes a mother can make is to fall more deeply in love with a man solely for how well he gets along with her kids. In the movie “Jerry Maguire”, Tom Cruise plays just such a character. He falls madly in love (in a healthy way) with his girlfriend, and later wife’s child. The two are inseparable and he is a tremendously attentive surrogate father, but turns out, for a time, to be a lousy husband. In the movie, he realizes his fault, and after a breakup, comes back to reclaim his love for the woman he says “completes him”. Ladies that is a movie! It’s not reality. Make sure he is marrying you, and not your children. If the kids love him, that’s a bonus, but it’s not a reason for you to love him. Be careful with you. Your kids matter, but a marriage is made up of two loving adults, and kids grow up and move away. Make sure he loves you and that your love for him is more than the sum of happy children.
It’s possible to date and find happiness and to blend families, but it’s not easy, it’s not ideal, and it takes a parent who is willing to consider her responsibilities to her children, to the men she dates, and to herself, every step of the way. May you make wise choices that result in positive and healthy development of the small ones with whose care you have been entrusted.
